Insecurity and LDR double standards

So, I am sorry I haven’t been writing in some time. My new semester at university has started and classes, group works and tasks have already taken its toll again (it’s been two weeks since the semester started – what the heck?!). Oh, and I’m also massively working overtime.

And to be honest – I was also a little clueless on what to write about. Until I haven’t signed a contract that will ensure my employment for after June and guarantee me the chance to move to Berlin with my employer I feel a little insecure to make plans on precisely how, where and when to get Ali to Germany. I hope to have news about this within the next two or three weeks…Plan A is still a language course for him.

Meanwhile the Aliens Department in my hometown (get the joke with my blog title now?) surprised me by answering my question about the so called “Verpflichtungserklärung” (which is basically a commitement by a German citizen to cover the costs for living  for a foreign visitor, student, tourist or such) within one day via e-mail. I was a little confused because in the form I found on their website it said the maximum duration for the visit can be three months, which is way too short for the language courses we had in mind. So I wasn’t sure if I had actually found the right form. They told me to just state the number of the months he actually wants to stay here anyway, regardless of the remark in the form. So much about self-explanatory bureaucracy.

And because university, my job and my long-distance relationship isn’t enough already I had the brilliant idea to sign up for three voluntary teams in a club that helps to promote my degree program to possible future employers.

So I met with some of the other volunteers in a bar on Thursday to talk about how we divide the work that has to be done. And as it always is and because there actually wasn’t that much work to divide we also chatted about a lot of other stuff. I don’t quite remember how we got there but one of my class mates told another girl from a different semester about her boyfriend who studies in Latvia – so obviously a long-distance relationship (LDR). I was just beginning to feel sympathetic towards her when the girl she talked to mentioned someone she knows from Greece who is in a long-distance relationship with someone from Latin America. She also mentioned how difficult it is for them to see each other frequently because of how expensive plane tickets are. My classmate replied: “This sounds mean – but it won’t last between them for long.” This somehow hit me hard – and I don’t know why, because I have heard people disencourage LDR couples so often. But how dare you judge another LDR couple you know nothing about not to make it if you are in a LDR yourself. Well, sure it’s so much easier to visit each other if it’s “just” 1.000 kilometers separating you instead of 8.000+ but LDR remains LDR. And if you are in a LDR yourself why would you be so judgemental about other couples who are in pretty much the same situation as you are. I guess I’ll have to try hard not to let this influence me in how I interact with her in the future because hearing her say that made me kind of sad, to be honest. Are those double standards already? I don’t know.

Have you had negative experience with people judging your or someone else’s LDR? I’d be curious to hear about them.

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11 thoughts on “Insecurity and LDR double standards

  1. My ex boss. I dated him for 2 weeks only..and after 6 months, we had this talk about my LDR Boyfriend. I remember he told me: “I KNOW your relationship won’t work. Let me tell you what’s going to happen. You are going to visit him for 5 months (I was going to study a semester in USA), and after your semester is done, you will come back to me and you will tell me that I was right, that the thing you called a relationship was not a relationship, you will tell me that it didn’t work. And I will be here for you.

    Can you believe it?!

    This was last year. Just remembering that gets me sick. That guy tried to destroy my relationship a few times…and the fact that I told my boyfriend about it made us stronger than ever. We proved him wrong ;)

    • Wow, what an a**hole – sure you wonder how did you ever fall for him…Bet you’re more than happy to be with your boyfriend now ^_^

      • Yes!! we are more than happy now :) We started talking about our wedding last night lol. It is more complicated than it seems :O Specially because I always wanted to get married here, and now it looks like it’s not going to happen :'( Anyways! Our goal is to be together so.. :D <3

  2. Some friends of mine keep saying “LDR wont work” whenever I told them story about my boyfriend and I. Even when I was telling a friend how I miss my boyfriend he jokingly told me “it’s your own fault to be in a LDR.. you could’ve chosen to be with someone closer”. Sometimes it’s sad to hear those words from a friend although you know that deep down they don’t mean it (i hope).. but sometimes i wonder how it would be nice to have more support… :)

    • Thank you for your comment, Christa :)
      It sure would be nice to have more understanding and support! And for the “you could’ve chosen”-part: NO! You don’t choose to fall in love and I for my part never thought about breaking up with my boyfriend because I thought LDR was the problem – it was/is just an obstacle we have to overcome, but it is not the reason that would responsible if our relationship failed…I wish people would stop labeling LDR as doomed to fail :/

    • Now that you mentioned that, I remember saying once: “Oww, I miss him so much :'(” to my older sister. And she told me: Well, you chose a LDR. It hurt me, specially because she is my sister. But then I understood that they don’t feel what we feel, and as much as I want, I can’t make them understand my relationship and how it works because they are not living it.
      Although, it would be nice to have more support as you said :)

  3. Hey Judith,

    I ran into your post by looking for info and advices on the whole moving-to-Germany situation.

    I´m Venezuelan (from Valencia), and my girlfriend is German (from Meißen). We were in a long distance relationship for almost 4 years and it was not easy, and as I read your posts I can tell some of the things that happened to us are happening to you guys. We know what it feels like, but luckly for us the distance is over, I´m right now in Germany and we´re planning on going to Venezuela and stay for some months somewhere next year, when the situation is more stable and the pseudo-socialists idiots in the goverment are not in charge anymore.

    Anyway, we´d like to get in touch with you guys and since our countries are the same I believe you might be facing the same legal issues we faced and we´d like to help with what we can. Let me know if you guys are up for it.

    We send you both greetings and have some strength, the long distance doesnßt last forever and you´ll be together!

    • Hi Luis!
      I’m so sorry I have not had the time to answer you until now – college is crazy sometimes and together with my job consuming all my time.
      Thank you so much for writing and encouraging us not to give up. The plan is that my boyfriend and me will get married next year – and yes, we still have to overcome all the legal stuff and to know someone who is/was exactly in the same situation. Especially with all the complicated legal requirements and horrible state offices in Venezuela…
      I will get back to you via e-mail as soon as possible.
      Thank you again an you’ll hear from me soon!
      Judith

  4. Fortunately, from the people that know about my relationship (everyone close to me) I have only gotten support, and him as well. But from one acquaintance in particular I did get his opinion on how if he would not be able to hold an LDR because “he was a guy and he had needs”. When I heard his comment I breezed it off because being “having your needs” is not only for just men, but most importantly because if you’re in a LDR you are aware of the struggles there are from being appart yet spending time with your significant other is just so gratifying that you learn to deal with it.

    • You are very lucky. We have faced a lot of doubts and mockery in our social enviromment. But sometimes I think this has even helped us in a “us against the world” sense, determined to proof everyone wrong. By now much of the mockery has turned in admiration. After all I am in the longest-lasting relationship of all of my friends – despite distance.

      • Thank you, I believe so too. Wow, I haven’t been in that position yet, which means it could still happen. But we’re conscious about the fact that if both of us want to this to work out or have some future, sometimes it will be, like you said “us against the world”.
        It is really something to admire, it is not many who can say they’ve had a long-term relationship, let alone a long-term ldr. So happy for you both. 😄

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